Not A Good Experience

It is a rare occasion to write about a negative and unhappy experience playing tennis! That is what I like to do for fun and entertainment. Usually there are four women who play together. When one of the four cannot be there, someone tries to get a substitute. Last Friday, one of our group ran over to the next court to ask Boris, the Russian, if he would play with us the following Friday. I know a little bit about Boris because Gerry has played with him before. I was not excited about having him play, but it seemed perhaps better than playing with three.

So today, my partner and I played against the other woman and Boris. He, of course, has many tricks that the women do not have. Specifically, he has a wicked spin that comes toward you, hits the ground, then takes a ninety degree turn one direction or the other. We lost the first set. I honestly don't get upset about losing. Lord knows, I spent twenty five years losing to my dear husband before getting to the point when I could defeat him from time to time.

At the end of the second set, Boris decided he would give us instruction, and criticized our mistakes, telling us harshly how it is supposed to be done. I found that I was offended by that. He was a guest invited to play, but he was not invited to be our coach. I was not happy. Maybe his criticism was accurate, his observations true; still I was very angry. At least, out of that anger came victory, because we won the next two games.

Unfortunately, he was invited to play again next week; my partner cannot be there. I don't really want to go. Tennis is for pleasure, not for pain! Boris is a pain!

Criticism is an unwelcome guest!

The Bells Toll

Today I was sitting at my desk reading. It was material I had taken with me to the office, in preparation for writing a future sermon. The commentary was about the old familiar hymn 'Onward Christian Soldiers'. The writer was commenting on how problematic that particular hymn has become in our world today.

As I sat at my desk, I could hear in the background the sound of the organist practicing. Then shortly after that, I could also hear the church bells doing their ten o'clock chiming. I read on:

Some say Onward Christian soldiers is too triumphalist, suggesting that it is not sensitive to the other religious persuasions in the world. Many Christians live side-by-side not only with Jews, but also, Muslims, Hindus, Buddhists, and others. Our friends and neighbors of other religious persuasions might get a little nervous if we marched out of here in lockstep singing, "Forward into battle, see his banners go."

Something clicked deep in my subconscious mind. At the very exact moment I read that last line, the very same notes peeled out of the church chimes, in complete unison. Suddenly I understood. The church chimes were playing 'Onward Christian Soldiers' in perfect harmony with the paragraph, as I was reading it at that moment.

I was floored, flabbergasted, amazed, astonished. What are the odds that I would be reading those exact words at the exact moment they rang out of the church bells for all to hear?

For me, it was a jaw-dropping serendipitous moment, the kind that is so easily forgotten. I wanted to save it, savor it.

And so I wrote this down to be preserved for posterity.

I want to remember how the bells tolled their musical notes, in complete unison with the words I read, just for me! The bells tolled for me!

Being the Officiant

I am very fortunate and blessed to be able to serve as the officiant at my children's weddings. So far, they have wanted me to. It is a unique and rare privilege, and a thrill to be part of this special event in that way.

In order to prepare for that, I met today with daughter MC (middle child) and her fiance' PA (to protect his identity.) We went over all the details of the wedding and what the ceremony would contain. It was my first "semi-official" meeting with them. Of course, as mother, I can not really be all that "official", but it was a wonderful experience for me. It was a context in which I learned a lot about MC's future husband, PA.

In fact, PA did something that I felt was so very thoughtful and helpful. Yesterday, in preparation for our meeting today, he delivered what he called a "long overdue letter" in which he described his feelings about marrying MC, and he described what their relationship is like. I was so happy to receive that letter, which gave me insight and brought me comfort! The pair of them are among the most humble and gentle souls you would ever meet!

They have been together for five years now, and I could not be happier. No doubt their wedding will be a joyful event for both families, as we witness the joining together of our children.

With both M & P and Yo and Matt, Gerry and I are so glad we have "lived to see this day" when these two offspring have found their best friends and lifelong partners.

And the greatest of all is love!

Newsletter Article

I wrote this for the May Newsletter, and thought it might be a good blog article, so here it is:

The Church In My Life

My father was a minister, so I grew up in the church. That meant that most of the activities of my childhood and youth centered around church events and happenings. Even as a young adult, I never strayed too far from the church. There are several reasons for that. First and foremost is that it is through the church of Jesus Christ that I found meaning and purpose, identity and the core beliefs of my life. As an adult, when I moved far from my home and relatives, the church became 'my family' even more fully than before.

Then later in life, the time came when I felt a strong sense of calling and followed that. I attended seminary, even though doing so was a significant challenge with four children, one of whom was four years old when I started. I enjoyed twenty wonderful years in the ministry, bringing my gifts and service to the Lord. Eventually, I came to believe it was time to retire from full time ministry, and do something different, like interim ministry perhaps.

I recognize now that not only have the activities and events of my life come from church, so also has the work of my life and most of the primary relationships. It doesn't get much more central than that.

UPC (my current church) is a special treat as I continue my love affair with Christ's church. I am learning all about the community in which I live. I am still actively serving the Lord; I am forming new relationships. I am part of something that keeps me connected to the believers from every age. God is so good!

Early Television

Last night's program at church focused on the role of women in the early television years. Father Knows Best, Leave It to Beaver, The Brady Bunch and numerous other TV shows of the 50's and 60's portrayed the perfectly dressed, perfectly coiffed housewife preparing a full breakfast for her family, sending them cheerfully off to work and school.

The presenter mentioned how the goal of television at the time was to present a very specific picture of the woman at home, while the husband went off to work 'to bring home the bacon'. This was a big change following the war, during which "Rosie the Riveter" had worked hard outside the home and produced everything needed for war and society. (I can't help but wonder if some group actually had a conversation about how television would shape male and female roles, and what those would look like.)

The only female on television for many years who did not fit that specific image was Kitty on Gunsmoke! The first pregnant female on television was Lucille Ball in I Love Lucy, though she could only be described as "expecting" or 'with child'.

While the censorship that went on, and the images portrayed now seem quaint, I cannot say that I think things have improved in any recognizable way. Sex is blatant; romance is gone; cursing is common; characters are without substance, and violence is rampant.

While the images portrayed int he 50's and 60's might not have been reality in any way, that which is currently called "reality" leaves much, very much to be desired!

The shows that I actually like, all seem to get cancelled. I will miss Ugly Betty, which recently ended. When I knew it was ending, I was so worried that I would not like the ending and be left completely unsatisfied. But I was not disappointed. It seemed so fitting. When the show began, Betty was starting off in her career, and worked for her boss, Daniel, in the publishing industry. He gave her her first break. He was the wealthy 'big shot'; she was the bumbling beginner.

By the end of the show's run, Betty had matured in her professional life, and enjoyed some promotions, and had gone to London to take a new job. Now, it was Daniel who was at the point of starting over in his life, leaving behind the job he had been given by his family, but not earned. He showed up in London to see Betty. She said cheerfully, "If you are looking for something to do, I am hiring a new assistant."

And so it had come full circle, sort of like the role of women in society. Now, at least, there are options. Women can and do have incredible professions and opportunities.

But, come to think of it, I can't identify any women characters on television that I particularly admire.

Spent!

Spent Spent Spent is how I felt by mid-afternoon. (And according to Gerry, I was grumpy.) When he asked me why I was grumpy, all I could think of to say was "I am tired!". Depleted.

It was a demanding 'pastoral care day' that didn't go exactly as I had planned. I had home visits scheduled for morning and afternoon. Then there was a phone request for an additional home visit, and then in the afternoon, I was called to make an emergency hospital visit. There was more to do than there was energy to do it. The last event of the day was a visit to the home of a ninety two year old man. He wasn't especially talkative or outgoing and so I was carrying much of the weight of the conversation. Then suddenly, I noticed that I had 'run out of gas' completely. (This is something that rarely happens to me). There I sat and could not think of one word to say, like being on the other side of empty, down to the last few miles, running on fumes.

In the ministry I have always had to be careful not to burn out. (Well, I have burnt out before, many times).

I guess all I can hope is that my energy gets re-kindled. I haven't had a slow, get-up-late, do nothing kind of day in a long long time. I must be overdue! I'll try to save Saturday to be lazy.

If retirement is a destination, I have not yet arrived. If it is a process, I'm still unfolding. If it is task to accomplish, it is not yet done.

Clearly, I haven't found the balance between feast and famine, work and rest, to do or not to do, to be or not to be.

Balance is what I need. (Or maybe it is sleep!)

Dancing Statues

I guess you could say that I have a bit of a 'dancing statue' collection. The first one is a very small one I picked up when visiting Yo in the city a couple of years ago. Then I found a dancing couple statue, much larger, ballroom dancers; not long after, a ballet dancer pair joined the group, which sits atop the cabinet in the living room. A couple of months ago, I added a dancing girl, which doesn't fit on the top of the cabinet, but stands on the floor. Today I purchased perhaps my last dancing statue (because I don't really have any place left to put them). She is a solo ballet dancer.

As I have mentioned before, I have an extensive church collection, of every size and shape and color and style. That makes sense to me, because that is the reality of my life, where I live and move and have my being.

Dancing is definitely not the reality of my life, but it is perhaps the fantasy. If I could briefly live someone else's life, in someone else's body, it would surely be that of a dancer. I love the grace, the poise, the movement, the music, the idea of using one's body as art.

I did at one time, attempt to "marry" those two loves by participating in sacred dance numbers choreographed for church. It was too late for me for that. I was beyond having the physical ability to do the required movements--- gracefully getting up and down from a kneeling position, and twirling around.

I did find a wonderful compromise and a way to enjoy the combination of music and movement for church. I think a couple of us invented it, or at least our own version. We called it musical signing---sign language to sacred songs. It is less rigorous, but beautiful and moving. I miss it, since retiring, relocating.

Perhaps one day I'll get up the nerve, or find a way, or have an opportunity to introduce musical signing into whatever church I may be attending or serving. I would love to do that again.

It is an interesting way to do the things I love most, worship---and dance!

Retirement Home Worship

I have certainly done my share of leading services in various types of retirement home settings. Sometimes they have been assisted living places. Other times, they have been memory care facilities. In both those settings, for the worship leader, it often felt like (or looked like) no one was paying much attention. Frequently, they could not hear, or they slept. Announcements over the PA system would interrupt the flow of the attempted service. I always found these very challenging experiences. I did learn a lot about what worked in those situations and what did not. Any serious attempt at a message usually did not. Music was a language to which they could relate. Sadly, I am not much of a singer.

In my current church situation, I now have responsibility for leading the once a month service at the retirement home in the neighboring community. The residents are alert and awake and appreciative. But what makes it such an unbelievably delightful experience is that this is also a ministry for the choir. In fact, it is not at all unusual for there to be more of us than there are of them. Today, I counted nine worshipers, which is all that could actually fit in the chairs and couch. There were probably more than a dozen choir members. Up close and personal like that, hearing them sing is a special treat that I cannot even describe really. I feel like the rest of the worship service is incidental, and the music is the major focus. For sure, it is for me!

In a way, I honestly feel like this is my reward! After so many years of service to the elderly in homes, going solo, with only my own resources to sustain me, having a full choir with me feels like a heavenly reward that God is bestowing upon me for my faithfulness!

I also would comment that working with this choir director feels the same way. After some difficult and/or challenging music directors and/or choir directors, she is all goodness and light, enthusiasm and talent, joy and laughter.

I am enjoying premature heavenly reward!

A Weekend of Activity

Life moves on. Friday and Saturday have both been full. Friday morning was women's doubles at the college. It was our first experience playing together outdoors, which is quite different. The weather held for the morning, then serious rains deluged in the afternoon, as predicted. I have not yet quite figured out my "tennis outfit", clothes that work for tennis, are comfortable, have pockets, etc. I just have a challenging body to fit. I am the only one of the four of us with a non-skinny body, and of course, that makes me self-conscious.

Friday night Gerry and I enjoyed a play at the nearby Center for the Performing Arts, our first visit there. I especially wanted to see the guy from the choir play Elvis. The comedy is entitled Four Weddings and an Elvis. The entire play takes place in a wedding chapel, and one of the wedding chapel ministers does an Elvis impersonation, singing Elvis songs. It was a hysterical play, most entertaining. Perhaps one of these years, I'll try out for a part myself!

Today, I had lunch with a friend in Syracuse, and it was good to catch up. It's been a really long time since we've talked. I managed to squeeze in some shopping in Penney's, and to my delight, found a couple of shirts that just might work to make a good "tennis outfit." They are the right style and length.

I am now signed up to play tennis doubles in the Empire State Senior Games in June. I guess I am trying to find a way to look like I fit in there. It will be a first-time experience.

Hopefully, it will not be the last. Maybe singles someday, or even mixed doubles. There are still so many fun things to look forward to!

Pastors and Friendship

In a conversation today, a woman told me how the wife of a former pastor of hers had told her how hard it is for a pastor to make friends in the ministry. I agreed with that statement, and tried to explain to "Annie" why that is true. For one thing, it is difficult for either the "pastor" or the "friend" to relate outside of the pastor role, which is loaded with expectations (from both sides). It is a unique dilemma, probably not characteristic of many professions. If one feels like they are primarily a "role" rather than a "person", true friendship and intimacy are hard to come by.

Thankfully, I do have quite a "collection" of former parishioners that I count among my friends. "Annie" wondered if it might be easier for me, as a woman, to have friends in the ministry. I suspect that it does not have to do with gender as much as personality and intention. After all, being in the ministry is all consuming, so if one does not have friends in there somewhere, one would be very lonely and isolated indeed. (And sadly, many clergy are.)

I decided that in my retirement years, I was going to make cherishing friendship a priority of my life. That is perhaps because of the difficulty of doing that while in full time ministry. I made a conscious choice to nurture the friendships I do have, and to try to develop new ones. Of course, I am really only semi-retired, so time is somewhat limited. Still, I think I have done fairly well at making friends a priority.

Those whom I consider my closest friends were once my parishioners. But now I am friend first, and pastor last. I don't think one can ever completely shed that title, or role. Nor do I especially want to. It is who I have become.

Even I have not been able to leave it behind! It follows me like my shadow. Wherever I turn, that pastor person just always shows up!

Human Contact

Today, I had planned to go and visit 'Charlie'. Before I got in my car to leave for the office, my cell phone rang and the church secretary called, letting me know that Charlie really really wanted a visit. He had recently gotten out of the hospital, and his companion is away on a trip. I figured that he would be lonely while she was gone.

Charlie is ninety years old and until this year, this hospitalization, has been independent and healthy. He wasn't just lonely, but said immediately that he was getting a bit depressed. What did my visit accomplish? I think I figured that out. Because by the time I left, Charlie was feeling much better, no longer depressed. I did nothing profound nor magical. I was simply a visitor who listened. Since I didn't know anything about Charlie's life, of course, he needed to tell me all about that.

He talked a great deal about his wife, who died eleven years ago. They had fifty two good years together. He showed me pictures of his family, both children and grandchildren. He talked about his companion of the past four years. I saw the maps of the places he had traveled, which covered most of the globe. When he had told me about all that, and showed me the pictures, he clearly realized how blessed he was, how fortunate, what a good life he has.

Talking about his life cheered him up; it's been a great life. I can see why depression would be common among older adults. We all need human contact. Sometimes the need is simply to remind us of all the good things in our lives. Without another person to share that with, one can get focused on the negative things.

Just a little bit of interaction with another human being helped his depression to lift.

I'm sure it is not always that simple, but sometimes, it probably is!

World Travelers

It was a wonderful afternoon, gathering as a family to celebrate Gerry's birthday. Michelle and Pedro also shared many of their experiences during their travels to Spain. I am so happy for them that they got to make that trip. I know it was important for both of them to spend time with Pedro's parents. They shared some of their pictures. One was of Pedro standing in front of a statue San Pedro, after whom he was named. I didn't realize at first that that is the same as Saint Peter!

Yo and Matt are going to a friend's wedding in St. Petersburg, Russia some time next month. That's a pretty big trip. I certainly hope the travel is uneventful.

I learned that grand-daughter Zan is traveling to Virginia this week to a choral competition. She has a solo, but is more excited about staying in a fancy hotel.

I guess traveling is just a way of life these days. The last time Gerry and I made an international trip (to Aruba), I could not help but notice that most of the travelers were definitely not in our age group. Perhaps it is best to travel when one is younger.

If I am lucky, Yo will live no further away than Long Island, and the other daughters will stay in the area. Of course, I guess there is always the possibility that Michelle and Pedro will move to Spain.

I know how fortunate I am to have my children so close. One woman in my church recently reminded me of that. She also has four daughters, and none of them are in the area. They live in the four far corners of the country, and a sweep to see them all is thousands and thousands of miles.

I am grateful for having them close, both geographically and otherwise!

April the Eleventh

Tomorrow I probably won't have the time or the energy to write. It is Gerry's 75th Birthday and the family is gathering to celebrate. We've having a family meal, and getting together to catch up. Yo and Matt are also here, and doing wedding preparation things, such as getting engagement pictures made tomorrow for their newspaper announcement. This evening we did some practice dancing. Gerry and I were particularly good at the waltz, less so with the swing steps. I didn't remember how tiring dancing can be. Of course, we already played an hour and a half of tennis this afternoon.

Tomorrow will also be my first time of leading worship solo in this particular church. Usually, I am there to assist the senior pastor, or the senior pastor is there to assist me. But he is on vacation, so I have to remember every detail of guiding and directing the service. I hope I don't have a brain freeze moment. I'm sure I will muddle through, and hopefully do better than muddle.

After the morning services, then there is the big meal at home. Most everything is already prepared, and just has to be put in the oven.

April the eleventh is a very good day, because it brought Gerry into the world. There have been many times when I have wished I could have known him in his youth. Due to our different paths, our different backgrounds and locations, and our age difference, I guess that just wasn't part of the plan, unfortunately.

When it did happen, we were old enough and experienced enough to recognize a good thing when we found it! I know it has been mutually beneficial to us both. Many many times over! And to others, as well.

April eleventh is a very good day indeed.

Making Lists

I used to be a real list-maker. It is because I was so busy and had so many things to do I could not hold it all in my mind and did not want to forget; thus, I wrote it down. Of course, there is that satisfaction of scratching things off of the "to-do" to the "to-done" category. But for me, honestly, I think it was a matter of wanting to remember.

Since I retired, I have no longer been a maker of lists. That's because whatever it was that I had to do I could just do it whenever the mood might strike. There was generally no time frame and no consequences. Now, that's freedom! My to-do list was mostly several lunches on the calendar, during the week. That was all I wrote down. The rest could just flow, without deadline.

This has been a full week. I've been the "pastor of the week--person-in-charge". Today is my first day off this week. Today, I notice, I have a written list of things I need to accomplish. I suppose with lists come a certain amount of stress. Those "to-do's" are always hanging over your head.

But it is also a very full, demanding weekend. My "primary role" extends through Sunday, which also happens to be a big family birthday celebration for Gerry, so there is cleaning and cooking to add to the list, shopping, errand running, etc. This is what it was always like back when I was working full time.

I'm not sure which I prefer. Both have merit.

To list, or not to list. Now that is the question!

Funerals

Tomorrow I have a funeral. It's been a while. I wish that I had kept track all the years of my ministry of the names of those confirmed, married, buried, baptized, etc. I was several years into the ministry before I knew that just such a book exists. Of course, it is required that you record that in the "book" that belongs to the church, which stays there. Little did I know that there is such a thing as a clergy record book that goes with you wherever you go. If I look at those four categories, my guess is that funerals would probably top the list.

The person being buried tomorrow does not really have any connection to the church I serve. These days that is not so unusual. The only real connection was that the mother of the deceased once babysat in the church nursery. At least they want a clergy officiant. It would not surprise me if in the future that, too, becomes obsolete, at least for non-church folks.

Strange as it may sound, I do love the challenge of a funeral. It takes good interviewing and listening skills, as you talk with the family. It takes intuition and reading between the lines, and putting together thoughts and ideas that are appropriate in tone and content, something close to an accurate depiction of that person's life. It is a task that I work very hard to do well. What could be more important than honoring a life in that situation? Certainly, there is no more tender time for the family.

Like Easter and the resurrection, funerals are for me high holy moments.

Unexpected Connection

First of all, I want to comment that any pastor who does not visit people in their homes really misses the story. People tend to be connected in one way or another. Either they are relatives, went to the same school, belong to the same organization, volunteer at the same place, like the same people, eat at the same places, or whatever. The stories and the connections are endless.

Today I visited Helen. She is clearly a spunky and independent lady in her late eighties, and like so many of them, is a widow. She does seem to be well cared for since she has a son who lives in the back apartment, so she has no need for senior housing.

She had heard where I live, in the development on the hill south of town. It was once her family farm many years ago. They owned one hundred eighty two acres on this corner of the road. Of course, even the road probably wasn't here when she was a child. I live on the back pasture. The pond is not far from my house. Of course, now it is a well-manicured residential area with homes of every kind, duplexes, condominiums, ranches, very fine fancy homes. But as far as Helen is concerned, it was once her pasture.

It was an unexpected connection that I have with Helen. But I suppose we are all connected in surprising ways. Just beneath the surface is a place, or a person, or a thing, or an idea that links us all together as human beings.

Only a couple of degrees of separation.

End of an Era

Information came via email today about registering for the closing, dissolving, final gathering of the NCNY Annual Conference to which I am affiliated. While I do not have a strong and close relationship with "my conference" at this point, I certainly do feel some sadness at its demise. It is, after all, where I got my start in the ministry. It is the "authorizing body" that "called me", encouraged me, interviewed me, ordained me. It is the organizational structure which I have served for a lot of years. It is a group of people with whom I worked and shared common interests and relationships.

The reason for the demise has to do with dissolving four previously existing units into one larger unit, (the Upper New York Conference), which supposedly will be more effective, have more power, etc. I do hope that the vision of creating this "new thing" lives up to the hype. For some of us, especially those of us who are retired, it is a significant loss. What was once "home" will no longer exist. We will melt into the background of oblivion and irrelevance. Perhaps that is to be expected.

It sort of reminds me of my "first retirement" after working for Cornell University for many years. I "retired" from there to go into the ministry. The old Roberts Hall building was being demolished and a new Roberts Hall building was being built. It seemed somewhat fitting that my "retirement" coincided with that change of buildings and re-orientation of the college quad. My Cornell years were associated with the old Roberts Hall.

I guess it is no different with the NCNY conference. My ministry years will be associated with that, rather than with the new structure.

Perhaps that is exactly as it is should be. (Still, it feels a little sad.)

Bach

In a phone conversation on Friday, a parishioner asked me if I was going to the "St. Matthew's Passion". I honestly did not know what that was, but quickly determined that it was musical. Ordinarily, I am a great appreciator of all things musical. She said it was a huge community event. I guess I assumed that meant all the church choirs would be participating.

Actually, it was nothing like I expected, but was a performance of Bach's entire Passion Concert. There was a part one in the afternoon which lasted over an hour and a half. (we did not go to that part). Part two in the evening lasted for two hours. There were printed programs with great detail, but the concert was two thirds through the performance before I found my place and could follow along (didn't realize the program also had part one in it). The "play book" used by many of the musicians was at least two inches thick.

I say this at the risk of sounding uncultured, un-musical, uneducated---I discovered from the experience that I do not like the music of Bach at all! I am not a fan of opera, and much of the singing, though extremely well performed, was opera-like. But the two choirs and two orchestras were most impressive. The musicians tended to be from the "professional" ranks. I think I am glad for the experience of hearing Bach's musical version of the passion narrative. But it is not an experience I would want to repeat!

Perhaps the best part was seeing a couple of 'old familiar faces'. In fact, out of all those hundreds of faces, those two faces were sitting side by side in choir two, though they did not know each other. We went to speak to them afterwards just to say hello. One had worked for Gerry back in his Engineering College days. The other had been my District Superintended when I first went into the ministry. Isn't that amazing? Now that I write about it, I realize just how amazing it is.

Bach----not to my taste. Old familiar faces---priceless!

An Early Spring

Really, one does not expect 81 degrees on April 2! Yet that is what we get today, which means, of course, hitting the tennis courts. We played yesterday at the college, but the college teams arrived to take over the courts at 4:00 p.m, so we will have to figure out a way to work it into our day at an earlier time. I much prefer playing at the high school, and am hoping that maybe they are closed today, so we can have it all to ourselves. The high school is up, way up, on the top of the hill, which makes for spectacular views looking out across the hills and valleys.

This is a small city. Downtown has some city feel to it, but is small enough of a city to have a town kind of feeling to it. I understand that tonight there is to be a city-wide musical event for Good Friday at the church across the street, which has the right kind of space for all the musicians, plus orchestra. We will go.

It is a beautiful, sunny day, a really "good Friday". I made Gerry an apple pie for his birthday, which doesn't happen until next week, but I wanted him to enjoy it all week, with other surprises on his actual birthday, which is a whole family event.

It is especially nice to have a spring like weekend for Easter.

We will remember---He is Risen indeed!