Pastors and Friendship

In a conversation today, a woman told me how the wife of a former pastor of hers had told her how hard it is for a pastor to make friends in the ministry. I agreed with that statement, and tried to explain to "Annie" why that is true. For one thing, it is difficult for either the "pastor" or the "friend" to relate outside of the pastor role, which is loaded with expectations (from both sides). It is a unique dilemma, probably not characteristic of many professions. If one feels like they are primarily a "role" rather than a "person", true friendship and intimacy are hard to come by.

Thankfully, I do have quite a "collection" of former parishioners that I count among my friends. "Annie" wondered if it might be easier for me, as a woman, to have friends in the ministry. I suspect that it does not have to do with gender as much as personality and intention. After all, being in the ministry is all consuming, so if one does not have friends in there somewhere, one would be very lonely and isolated indeed. (And sadly, many clergy are.)

I decided that in my retirement years, I was going to make cherishing friendship a priority of my life. That is perhaps because of the difficulty of doing that while in full time ministry. I made a conscious choice to nurture the friendships I do have, and to try to develop new ones. Of course, I am really only semi-retired, so time is somewhat limited. Still, I think I have done fairly well at making friends a priority.

Those whom I consider my closest friends were once my parishioners. But now I am friend first, and pastor last. I don't think one can ever completely shed that title, or role. Nor do I especially want to. It is who I have become.

Even I have not been able to leave it behind! It follows me like my shadow. Wherever I turn, that pastor person just always shows up!