The Howling Wind

Lately, our weather pattern has been producing some high winds.  When I am inside the house and the wind is howling outside in this haunting way,  I realize that it causes a constriction in my 'solar plexis'. [gut].  It produces some kind of mild anxiety.  That is true mostly when it is cold, not so much in other seasons.

 I do not believe this has to do with fear of natural disasters such as hurricanes or tornadoes.  Now that I mention that, however,  I am remembering 2005 and.Hurricane Katrina.  I had gone to Tupelo, Mississippi to visit my mother in a nursing home.  I had flown there despite the clear hurricane warnings, certain that what happened on the coast would not affect anything that far north in the state.  That was not exactly true, as 60 mile per hour winds howled outside my Best Western door, blowing signs and trees all about, causing power outages.  Perhaps that experience plays into my 'wind fear'.  For a while, there was no regular or cell phone availability, and I was unable to get in touch with my family to let them know I was all right.  Part of the anxiety and fear then had to do with worrying about being able to get back home. There was also a gasoline shortage there all of a sudden.

That other knot of anxiety in my gut comes from a time when I lived alone with three small children, in a duplex out in the country, not having anyone on whom I could call.   That year winter was consistently 20 degrees below zero with howling winds and drifting snow (and a very long driveway).  I don't think I have ever felt more completely desolate and isolated and alone. Fighting the elements, I constantly worried about being able to get to my children's places of care to pick them up after work. There was no back up person to help with that, should something go wrong. We all survived.

 Perhaps both of those experiences contribute to my 'howling wind anxiety'.   I wish it were not there.  As a child and youth, and young adult, I loved the wind.   Feeling the wind blow on my face was a thrilling experience.   It still is, or can be under the right circumstances, but there are also other deeply rooted feelings that can get in the way.

I wonder if that is simply a matter of getting older, or if it has to do with the power of memory.  It is known that memory is evoked through smell.  No doubt that is also true of sound.

High howling winds bring up feelings of desolation, of not being able to get home, or to my family.  Needless to say,  those are not good feelings.