Restlessness

For a long time,  for much of my life really,   I can remember having a deep sense of restlessness in my soul.    That expressed itself by feelings of wanting to be somewhere else,  doing something else. Wanting to be someone else.  Needing to accomplish something.

Living in that mode often leaves one with a feeling of dis-satisfaction, emptiness.  One might fill that up with busyness,   drinking, drugs, shopping, partying, striving, coming and going.

At the same time,  I have always had a desire for serenity of the soul, rather than restlessness.  And finally, at long last, I can say that I have arrived at that.  It is not an achievement.  It is a way of being.  It is a shift in one's consciousness.

I no longer feel the need "to accomplish".   In fact, I have "accomplished" more in a lifetime than I ever imagined in my wildest dreams!

Raising four delightful children and having good relationships with them all
Marrying an intelligent, accomplished, wonderful human being, and having a good marriage
Graduating from seminary and having a 20+ year ministry
Writing two books, a cantata, poetry, a blog, and other things
Being a respected member of my community
Having a few good friends

At this point in my life,  I have definitely learned to be present in this moment.  I do not have to be going somewhere.  I do not have to be seeing other people.  I can be quite satisfied with my own company.   I can be occupied by the grooming requirements of the day.  I am happy to cook dinner.  I enjoy reading a book, or writing.  I am quite content doing ordinary domestic chores.

This is deeply counter-cultural.  That is especially true for a retired pastor.   Retired clergy usually just go on and on forever, doing the exact same thing, just for shorter periods of time.  People always ask what you are doing. There is a certain amount of competition involved in how one responds.

Now I know what serenity feels like.  It is about being present in the moment you are in, rather than the past or the future.  It is about being intentional, rather than reactive.  It is about being self-determined, rather than motivated by external circumstances.  It is about being content with who you are.

That is exactly where I aspire to be.

And where I am!