I have read somewhere in the past the theory that we choose our mates because there is some healing that needs to take place, because we all bring varying degrees of woundedness to any relationship.
I do believe that most of that process gets done at some deep subconscious level, and that it is quite possible that one might not even know that is going on. And it can take many years to understand the results, if one ever does.
Gerry and I fell in love long before we knew each others' personal stories. Who I am and who he is at the core got unveiled over time.
When Gerry and I married, at least I can say with certainty, that I never had any intention of having another child. (though maybe he had such a longing??) But there is something about a happy and loving marriage (at least in our case) that makes one want to reproduce. And so we did just that.
I can now say that there were probably other things going on at a deeper level.
Gerry has often expressed that his ex was not the nurturing-doting motherly type. Certainly my ex was not at all emotionally engaged with his children.(and essentially disappeared from their lives) That meant that neither of us had ever had the 'loving parent' experience from our spouses, for our children.
I could certainly not say that I chose Gerry because I thought he would be a good father. I thought he would be a good husband, for sure, and a good helpmate and companion as I/we raised the children I already had. [His were already grown.].
When we had our own child, I got to see what it was like for a child to have an involved, loving, patient, emotionally engaged father. He got to see a gentle, compassionate and nurturing mother. That hole was filled in each of our hearts.
Life is complicated. And at the heart of it, is a deep deep mystery.
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