Looking Back

Yesterday, I was searching my computer for a picture of our house.   There is quite a collection of photographs on the computer.  I still remember the days of photo albums!  Now we keep photos exclusively on the computer, though I still have some albums from daughter Joy's early years.

Needless to say, viewing old photos was quite a trip down memory lane.  I would say that as a rule, I don't spend a lot of time looking back.  I like to think that I'm not old enough to be at that stage yet.  I still like to think about the future, rather than the past.

But I ran across one particular photograph of me,  which sparked a lot of feelings.  For one thing, it was such a momentous occasion in life that it motivated me to have a professional photograph made of just me---something which I have not done since, with the exception of church directory photos. For another thing,  I was considerably younger than I am now.  Now I am older and wiser, unlike that younger person who was still innocent,  hopeful, eager and prepared.  Or so I thought.

I had already had years of experience of church as a pastor's family member, living in parsonages, with life revolving around church activities.

By then, I also had considerable experience as a layperson in the church, active and involved in every aspect of church committees and structure.   So how big a jump could it actually be to the next step, being a pastor?

Bigger than I ever could have imagined!  It involved a change in one's image of oneself.  It involved "taking thou authority."    It involved leadership and inspiring others; budget management and facilities,   conflict management, mentoring others,  being set apart, growing a congregation, managing a staff,  being accountable to a connectional system,  meeting diverse expectations of parishioners. (To name just some of it.)  Needless to say, it also meant going against the grain of the expectation of clergy being male.

I have not yet completely shed the pastor-identity, which takes a really long time to take on, internalize.   I am still accepting invitations to do pulpit supply.  Maybe that will come to an end one day, too.  It has been 26 years since that process of "pastor-becoming" started.  Overall, I do feel quite good about my ministry years.  I am confident they were "successful", though success in the church, in my mind, at least, is measured differently from success in the secular world.

I am confident of this much:   I did it with passion and integrity!