This morning I remembered what I felt, so what I said before---about not feeling anything was not entirely true.
In the process of learning of his death, I actually felt many things. One was amazement that we even found out about that, which happened only through the efforts of some very good people.
In the process of viewing his body, I did not feel very much, other than shock at the realization that I would not have recognized him at all. He had aged by many decades, of course, but also was half the size he once had been, due to long term illness.
Then, there was the aftermath of finding various belongings at the Rehab Center, at Ft. Belvoir temporary housing, inside his car, inside the folders in the duffel bag. There were many pieces of paper, jottings in notebooks, income tax returns, pay stubs, mementos from travels, military forms, bank statements, books, and so forth.
But other than business cards, mostly of people he had encountered during his last 6 months in Virginia, or hotels, or dentists, there was no evidence of any personal relationships. Could that really be possible? And I will admit, that it all made me feel very sad, for him. It was sad, because it was such a waste. It could have been so different. And I also felt angry at the choice he had made for his life. That had inflicted a lot of pain on others.
Of course, we did not have paperwork that went back much further than 20 years. There was some paperwork from the late 1990's, as I recall, medical records of a heart valve repair. That still leave approximately 20 years unaccounted for, about which I know nothing. So perhaps he did have personal relationships that did not show up in the folders in his car. Still, there were no names, no phone numbers, not a single photograph.
But I have gotten ahead of myself here.
Each step of our journey was more fascinating than the last, but none more exciting than finding his car at Fort Belvoir.
That is an experience I will never forget!
It was not at all what we expected!
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