Life Different Than Expected?

How Has Life turned out Differently than You Expected?

That is a tough question for me because I cannot recall or identify what  expectations I might have had for my life???   I know that I hoped that I would someday be married.  If married, I assumed that I would have children.   I did not have very many role models of professional women--- other than being a teacher, so I planned to be just that---an English teacher.   And so I was.  I taught both 11th grade and 9th grade for a number of years, but I was ill prepared, really, and very young and inexperienced.  Those were not my best years.

What I DO recall that I definitely did NOT expect to be is a minister, a pastor, or a clergy-person.   That is something that came much later.  Early in my life, there was not one thought in my mind of following that path.  Women were not yet even allowed in the pulpit, even if I had wanted to do that.

I did not relish many of the characteristics of being the "pastor's family", which came with ridiculous expectations, against which I rebelled.   I was supposed to be well dressed at all times.  I was supposed to be well behaved at all times, always thinking about the pastor's image.  We always had to worry about what other people were thinking.  I hated hated that!  I still hate that.

Since our lifestyle as pastor's family was supported by the financial gifts of others, we had to make sure that we did not buy a car, or clothes that were too fancy.  We could not leave the lights on all night and run up the electric bill.  We actually lived in someone else's house, even though that someone else was the church.

The pastor's family was at the mercy of the greater church as in the United Methodist Church,  pastors were "deployed", not unlike the military.  One did not get to choose when or where a move might take place.

By the time I was in my early 40's,  all that changed.  After experiencing a very profound experience of "being called",  I interpreted that to mean that I would be a local pastor,  which did not require moving, or many of the other expectations.  I did want to attend seminary, so I would be well educated,  but I never expected to be ordained, which I was eventually.

In time, I submitted to all of that,  although I always wanted to live in my own home, rather than the parsonage  (house owned by the church).   I never found that comfortable at any point in my ministry.  It was different when I was the minister,  and in some ways, much worse.  House maintenance was done by committee.  And the committee was not always agreeable.

But all of that aside,  I never expected to be considered an outstanding preacher,  a person who affected other people's lives.  I never imagined that I would be called "talented", or that I would be a key figure in the community.

 I never in a million years would have imagined how much I love preaching.   Actually,  that is something that has developed even more keenly in my retirement years.   I never expected that either!

This Week's Question--What Matters?

What things matter to you most in life?

I knew immediately how to answer this question.  Gerry said it is the most difficult one for him.   My answer has four parts.

Most important: 1. Family.  By that, I specifically mean my immediately family---my children and my husband matter the most.  As for my children, their well-being is what matters--both their physical and emotional/spiritual well being. I do not want any of them to suffer any great loss, of health, loved ones, life.  That would be beyond what I could bear.. I also want them to be functioning adults--with meaningful work and relationships of their own.
 My relationship with Gerry matters. It is filled with love and joy and integrity, and I want that to always be the case.  Whoever dies first, I hope it will come quickly, and not be a long, slow, decline!  That is too hard!

2.  Health.  I do not consider this entirely within my own power to control.  I can do my part, but I know that luck, genetics, the environment, many factors determine health.  But it matters significantly because being able to enjoy most other things in life are dependent upon it!   I hope to have good health for a long time more, and not to be a burden to anyone.  I do not think I would be a particularly agreeable dependent.

3.   Friends.  Friends are important at this stage of my life, although that has certainly not always been the case.  For the first four decades, I was focused on family, children, work.  Then, I married Gerry and we were quite focused on each other, family and work, and there was no time left over to nurture female friendships.   Only since my retirement have I made "nurturing friendships" a priority in my life.   As a clergy person, a pastor,  the relationship is so unique with parishioners,  that being "their friend" is not the way it usually goes.  It matters to me enormously to be able to say that I have a couple of good friends.

4.  Ministry Gifts.  Although I very much was ready to retire from full time ministry, I did still want to be able to somehow use the gifts that I have for ministry.  I did not know exactly how that would evolve,  but I am so very happy to say that it has.  I did interim ministry for a few years.  Then after that, I used my creative abilities to write and produce special events and program, and song lyrics.   Then finally,  I now have a regular preaching commitment, twice a month, and this matters so much to me.  It matters because I feel like I am using my spiritual gifts, and also, I am the experiencing total freedom and the greatest joy imaginable in doing so!

This Week's Question--Happiness

Special Project Questions:  The question for this week:  When were you the happiest?

I had to let that question just sit there for a while and bubble away.  I could not answer it immediately.  My first impression was that I could identify many specific moments when I was happy,  but a longer lasting sense of happiness was harder to identify.  There was always something in the way of that---a bad relationship, difficulty with a family member,  difficulty with a child,  financial challenges, a flood, someone's illness.  

I would not really use happiness to describe my first 30 years.  They were mostly turbulent and chaotic.  Growing up in the 60's.  Poor choice in first marriage, and paying the price for that.  Single parenthood.  Struggles.

But today it came to me---a sustained, time-frame of happiness!  What I do remember vividly is that the first three years of marriage with Gerry were very very happy.   Even blissful.  In some of the photographs taken during that era, I even look blissful!   We coordinated our clothes and dressed to match.  I usually wore a flower in my hair, either real or otherwise, as a symbol of my joy.  It was a wonderful time.  I only remember happiness, sweetness, wonder.   

Toward the end of the third year of our marriage, our lovely daughter VJ was born. She was and is a bright light in our lives.  But it was around that time that my daughter ML, middle child of my first three children,  began acting out. The changes in her personality were drastic. She was thirteen.  There was an older boyfriend, drugs, whereabouts unknown,  interactions with agencies we thought might be able to help.  It was a terribly painful time.  I was lost and did not know what to do.  MLwas lost.  That ended the time-frame of long term happiness.   It was a very long time before I could say that I was happy again.  ML's troubles continued and got worse and resulted in many hospitalizations because of her struggles with mental illness.  I struggled with guilt, a sense of failure,  deep deep sadness.  I struggled to keep from being overwhelmed---to care for my family.

And yet, I had to keep going because I had an infant, and two other daughters as well, and a relatively new marriage, which I wanted to nurture and protect.

By the  early 1990's, I was on the pathway to ordained ministry.  There were many incredible moments in that journey, and there still are.  Ministry has brought much joy and sorrow.  It has taken me to the deepest valleys and the highest mountaintops!   It has brought deep satisfaction and rewards.  It has been the avenue by which I have discovered myself and my gifts and talents.

 I would say that for most of my life, I have not been unhappy, despite many difficulties and challenges and struggles at every stage.  There has always been some aspect of my life which has brought pleasure.  My work. My children.  My marriage. 

The struggles and challenges and difficulties are far fewer now.  Of all the "stages" of my life, I most appreciate the retirement years, when I am free to choose my activities,  the time I go to bed and get up,  my entertainment, hobbies, and so forth.

My children are grown and independent and I try not to worry about them too much.

I am happy that I have enjoyed good health so far.  I am happy to have Gerry still with me!

These days, family gatherings make me happy.   And flowers.   Lunches with friends.

I am very happy with the person I have become.

Ever Won?

The 'special question project' poses this as the next question:  
Have you ever won anything?

The very first thing that popped into my mind is a cake walk at my children's elementary school.   You walk around a circle taped onto the floor, which is divided into blocks with numbers.  When the music stops, a number is pulled out of the fish bowl.  If you are standing on the winning number, you win a cake.  And I did!

I do remember winning a Creative Writing Award when I was in my senior year at college.  I had submitted a short story to the campus literary magazine.  Awards are presented at the college Assemblies, where attendance was required.  I was not in attendance to receive this award, since I was doing my student teaching at a Junior High in another part of the state.   But when I look back on "things won",  that would stand out in my mind as something I would really want to win.

Another "winning experience" was at the Community Arts Challenge, exactly 43 years later, in 2010.   An Arts Center sponsors this event every year and reveals a theme. Then "artists" of all kinds enter in various categories from Writing, to Music, to Painting, to Sculpture, to Photography.   My entry was a poem on the theme that year:  Community.

We were new residents to the community, and I did not really know anyone and no one really knew me, so I certainly had no expectation of winning.  But I did---First Place Prize in Writing!!  That was a thrill because it was so unexpected! 

Since then, I have worked collaboratively with a musician, and we always enter for Original Song, for which I have written the lyrics, and she has written the music.  We always win first place in that category.   But that is different since it is a joint effort.

I have participated in and won medals in the Senior Games for tennis a couple of times---mixed doubles with Gerry.  Just being able to compete is a win in itself.

But most of all, I "won the lottery" in the Husband category.  And I am still reaping the benefits of that particular lottery win.

I would have to say that I am definitely a "winner" because all of my dreams have come true.  Great marriage.  A beautiful home.  Lovely children.  Meaningful work. God-given talents. Good health.  Friends.

Faith, hope, love, these three.  But one of them is best of all!  And my heart is filled with it!