This Week's Question--Happiness

Special Project Questions:  The question for this week:  When were you the happiest?

I had to let that question just sit there for a while and bubble away.  I could not answer it immediately.  My first impression was that I could identify many specific moments when I was happy,  but a longer lasting sense of happiness was harder to identify.  There was always something in the way of that---a bad relationship, difficulty with a family member,  difficulty with a child,  financial challenges, a flood, someone's illness.  

I would not really use happiness to describe my first 30 years.  They were mostly turbulent and chaotic.  Growing up in the 60's.  Poor choice in first marriage, and paying the price for that.  Single parenthood.  Struggles.

But today it came to me---a sustained, time-frame of happiness!  What I do remember vividly is that the first three years of marriage with Gerry were very very happy.   Even blissful.  In some of the photographs taken during that era, I even look blissful!   We coordinated our clothes and dressed to match.  I usually wore a flower in my hair, either real or otherwise, as a symbol of my joy.  It was a wonderful time.  I only remember happiness, sweetness, wonder.   

Toward the end of the third year of our marriage, our lovely daughter VJ was born. She was and is a bright light in our lives.  But it was around that time that my daughter ML, middle child of my first three children,  began acting out. The changes in her personality were drastic. She was thirteen.  There was an older boyfriend, drugs, whereabouts unknown,  interactions with agencies we thought might be able to help.  It was a terribly painful time.  I was lost and did not know what to do.  MLwas lost.  That ended the time-frame of long term happiness.   It was a very long time before I could say that I was happy again.  ML's troubles continued and got worse and resulted in many hospitalizations because of her struggles with mental illness.  I struggled with guilt, a sense of failure,  deep deep sadness.  I struggled to keep from being overwhelmed---to care for my family.

And yet, I had to keep going because I had an infant, and two other daughters as well, and a relatively new marriage, which I wanted to nurture and protect.

By the  early 1990's, I was on the pathway to ordained ministry.  There were many incredible moments in that journey, and there still are.  Ministry has brought much joy and sorrow.  It has taken me to the deepest valleys and the highest mountaintops!   It has brought deep satisfaction and rewards.  It has been the avenue by which I have discovered myself and my gifts and talents.

 I would say that for most of my life, I have not been unhappy, despite many difficulties and challenges and struggles at every stage.  There has always been some aspect of my life which has brought pleasure.  My work. My children.  My marriage. 

The struggles and challenges and difficulties are far fewer now.  Of all the "stages" of my life, I most appreciate the retirement years, when I am free to choose my activities,  the time I go to bed and get up,  my entertainment, hobbies, and so forth.

My children are grown and independent and I try not to worry about them too much.

I am happy that I have enjoyed good health so far.  I am happy to have Gerry still with me!

These days, family gatherings make me happy.   And flowers.   Lunches with friends.

I am very happy with the person I have become.