Writing A Memoir

For the past five or six days, I have been involved in writing a brief Memoir, summarizing the main time frames of my life, where I lived from birth to now, and major life events.  I am now at the editing stage.  I have been thinking about what I want to do with this memoir.  Its purpose was just to  provide a record for my children, in case they wonder  about the details of my life, as they get older.  They could possibly find some answers from this memoir document.

Honestly, writing that all down has left me a little bit depressed, because it was painful having to re-live so many challenges,  difficulties, crises, and trauma.   That led me to think that maybe I will just leave a copy in one of my plastic tubs downstairs.  I have a collection of Notes of Appreciation and Scrapbooks of letters from all the parishes I have served.   Over the past few weeks, I have been reading some of those notes.  The idea occurred to me that I would put the Thank You notes and the Scrapbooks into one tub together.  Til now, they have been scattered. 

In all that process,  I took out the Scrapbook of Letters from the Moravia years,  which I had not  opened for a very long time.  I read a two page letter there that just blew my mind.   While I am feeling sad and depressed about the struggles I had as a single parent,  there was a woman's letter showing me clearly how my having been a single pastor, and now a pastor, had transformed her life!

She had come to church with her mother one time, just to humor her mother.  Apparently, that particular day,  in the pastoral prayer, I had lifted up "single mothers" and prayed for them, for whatever reason. 

This letter writer said she had never heard anyone pray for single mothers.  In fact, she carried a huge burden of guilt from being one herself.  There was really no reason for her guilt, because her husband had died years earlier.  She had not even been divorced.  However, I do understand the guilt, because as a single parent, one never feels like they can do enough for your children. She strongly felt the stigma of her single parent identity.   She asked her mother:  "Why in the world did she pray for single mothers? I've never heard anyone do that!"  Her mother said:  "Because she used to be one."

This young woman who was visiting was somehow miraculous freed from her 'single parent' guilt and stigma, because "if she was a single parent and God loves her, then maybe God loves me too,"  or something very much to that effect.  She was still attending there when I moved on to another church, thus the letter.  We obviously had many interactions which were especially meaningful to her. For me, I was just ordinary pastoral ministry.

As I read her letter today,  after having just written my memoir, with all its trauma and pain, I cried!  I never cry, no matter what.  But her words moved me mightily!---perhaps not unlike my words had moved her years before.

She goes on to tell how much things changed in her life, how she went back to school, got a good job, all because she was able to shed her guilt and shame from being a 'single mother.' 

Who ever knows how or when or why God might use our story to help heal another person?  Perhaps it was God who moved me to pray for single mothers that day.

I assume that the tears that I shed as I read her letter today will will be healing tears for me.

I could even imagine that God gave me her letter, long buried in the basement,  at this moment as a special gift.  For such is the nature of God.

Loving My Body

     I  read an article this morning about Savannah Guthrie who is a host of the Today show.  She confessed that the one thing she has never felt good about is her body!  She is a skillful interviewer, famous, has a great personality, and is successful by any measure.  She is also quite slender.  So it was a shock for me to read that she felt that way about her body.

As one who has always struggled with weight issues and has only been slender briefly,  I have also struggled with body-hatred issues for most of my life.   In my case, that is far more understandable than it is for Savannah Guthrie  (at least to me), but perhaps we both come by that affliction because of all the pressure to have perfect bodies in our culture.  We tend to measure ourselves against those who do have perfect bodies, and so find ourselves greatly deficient.

I am now 73 years old.   It has taken a lifetime to get to this point.  But now I can honestly and truthfully say that I absolutely love my body.   That is not because it is particularly lovely. I have age spots and moles and skin blemishes.   It is not that I love my body because it is sexy or desirable.  It is not because it meets anyone's standard of beauty.

I love and am grateful for my body because it is healthy.  It has served me wonderfully and well.  My body has given birth successfully four times, creating human beings!   My body has been strong enough to do those things in life I have been  physically called upon to do.  It has fended off disease and illness most of the time.  It has healed itself repeatedly from the various injuries and abuses I have inflicted upon it.

At my age,  I see many people struggling with a great variety of health issues.  Not all have survived those challenges.  And yet, I am basically well.   I knock on wood as I say that.  It is not said out of a place of pride, but humility.  I am ashamed of all my lack of appreciation of my body for so many years!

I know full well that I am reaching a time in my life when that will no longer be true.  So, thank you, Body, for your faithfulness;  for your perseverance,  for your amazing powers.  You are wonderfully made!  You are lovely indeed,  perhaps not the way the world sees.   But now I see fully.   For with age comes wisdom.

I am grateful for this body which has served me so well for so long.

Not Pecked

 Not Pecked

By Nancy Rehkugler

            I recently read an article about how supportive Elizabeth Warren’s husband has been of her career.  As a general rule, I do not read the Comments following any on-line article.  Rarely are they worthy of one’s time or attention.  However, I could not help but notice the very first comment located just at the end of the article.   It irked me deeply.

            The person commenting said of Warren’s husband,  Bruce Mann, that he was surely “henpecked”.   My visceral reaction caused me to examine the inherent meaning of that word.

            The word, when applied to a supportive husband, clearly implies that any man who is engaged in an equal partnership with his spouse is somehow ‘pecked’ into being less than a man.  In fact, the exact opposite is true.  A real man does not need to dominate, oppress,  belittle, or control the person he loves.  Rather, he encourages her, helps her, cheers for her, and enables and celebrates her success.   The word “henpecked” when used to describe a supportive husband has nothing to do with the husband, and everything to do with the person who uses the word.  Such a person is very insecure about his manhood.   Such a man can only affirm his manhood by belittling women and girls.

            Misogyny is a belief system that arises out of male-dominated societies.  Such societies always place women in a position of subordination.  Misogyny manifests in many ways in societies, and has been around for thousands of years.   From pornography to anorexia, to plastic surgery, to self-hatred, women have a long history of subjugation.   Every major religion has perpetrated some form of misogyny,  and every major philosopher and thinker from Aristotle to Nietzsche has considered women inferior.

            Misogynistic rhetoric on the internet has become increasingly vile.  It is always directed most viciously toward women in the public sphere.  Women who speak out,  who seek positions of leadership or power will inevitably be targeted.   And any husband of such a woman will be vilified as weak and unmanly.   The truth is that only a man who is completely secure and self-aware and successful in his own right would ever be able to partner with a woman of substance and significance.

            Whenever such a husband is called “henpecked,” be fully aware of the source and meaning of such a word.  It always comes from a position of powerlessness and impotence.