Anxiety

I've been worried before, of course.   I've certainly been nervous.   Hubby has had a couple of panic attacks in the past.   He described those as having a heightened flight or fight response in the body.

But until yesterday, I don't really actually remember feeling a physical manifestation of anxiety.  It felt like a heavy weight in the chest;  a lump;  I needed to pace.   I felt caged.   Hopefully,  it is isolation anxiety, and not signs of something else!

I have no doubt that some of it is weather related, as we have had precious little sunshine and an abundance of rain.   I believe there is a depressed condition that can result from that—-seasonal affective order or something.

I've been devastated,  cried,  crushed,  hurt,  afraid....( for a couple of days)  .....but never really depressed.    That's not a place I want to go. 

When the weather improves,  we'll go to a park and hike.   Nature heals.

I am just blogging for the relief it may  (or may not) provide.

I am sure others feel the same!

Covid-Bound

So how do you keep occupied?

With books and music, no doubt,

and the computer, of course, 

cooking too. (no eating out!)

Those are the things I imagine

that others likely do.

I am blogging now, 

and doing Haiku

(a new site has emerged for this)

I kid you not, its' true!

Neatly folded plastic food bags,

now line up in my drawer in rows

just waiting to be re-used.

I'd rather be stress baking,

but no flour can be found,

anywhere in town!

There are books and TV

and a bird feeder to entertain me.

It brings only blackbirds,

not what I had in mind,

though perhaps an appropriate

sign of the times.

Out of the Blue

A couple of weeks ago, the phone rang.   The  number of the caller typically appears on the phone, and it also appears on the TV screen if the TV is on.  If I do not recognize the number, 99 times out of 100,  I do not answer.  But for some unknown reason,  I decided to answer that time, although it only said Cell Phone, with no name.

She identified herself by her first name, and her mother's last name, who had once been my parishioner.  I guess she thought that would be easier for me to figure out who she was that way.   It took a few seconds.  If she had used her first and last names, I would have known immediately.  It was Phyllis!   The Phyllis who had been our host and guide when I led 13 of us on a mission trip to Guatemala in 2001.

So Phyllis calls, out of the blue, after 19 years.   It immediately brings back many memories!   It was a once in a lifetime trip and experience!  Phyllis is fluent in Spanish,  so we could comfortably travel, having her as our guide!  Some of those memories are very harrowing!  One involves an old school bus and  hairpin turns on one lane roads up a steep mountain.   We had brought bags and bags of  school supplies to donate to a particular school,  where we all went in person to deliver.   The children were so polite and sweet and beautiful and also in a very remote location.   The supplies were delivered in a cloth bag for each child.  It was impressive that they did not even open the bags immediately in our presence. I was told that was because they first wanted to share them with their families back home.

Anyway,  Phyllis retired a couple of years ago and moved back to the town, Moravia, where her mother had lived for so long.   I don't know if Phyllis grew up there or not, but she would surely have many many connections.   She is currently doing substitute teaching, despite being 81 years old!   What an inspiration!

She was calling on behalf of the Historical Society in Moravia wanting me to do a presentation on Willard, a state Mental Hospital which closed permanently in 1995.  At first, I drew a blank,  wondering why in the world she would want me for that purpose!    My first reaction was:  "I don't know anything about Willard!"    She reacted:  "Then why is everyone telling me you do?"  Then I remembered that I do at least know more than most people.  The story of Willard played heavily in the novel I wrote and published in 2013.   One of the books that I read and used as a resource in fact was a wonderful history of the institution.   So after thinking about it for a bit,  I agreed to make a presentation on that topic at the Moravia Historical Society in July  (or whenever we are all out of quarantine).

I soon went to work on that presentation and found that I do, after all, know quite a bit about Willard and will look forward to sharing that!

My resource book is:  The Lives They Left Behind:  Suitcases From a State Hospital Attic.  The materials found in those suitcases formed the basis of a traveling exhibit by the same name.    I happened to read about that in a newspaper when I lived in Syracuse.  The opening scene of my book involves a woman visiting the exhibit  and seeing a photograph of a picture she recognized, but had no idea that relative had ever been in Willard.  The rest of the novel unravels a complicated family story.   In Its Time by me.